Resources for Loss

Monologue from "Call Me By Your Name" (2017), contributed by Lana Abuawad (2021)

I always think of this monologue when I am going through any form of loss. There is an urge to numb oneself to the pain that accompanies it, but it is important to recognize the beauty in suffering bereavement. It is the consequence of having experienced some form of love. The pain is the price of an incredible blessing. Our ability to feel these extremes of human emotion ensures that we are truly present, and snuffing those flames out only robs us of what it means to be alive. This mindset aids me in replacing my grief with gratitude and making peace with my lack of control over what enters and exits my life. At my first inclination to numb it all away, I recall this monologue to treasure my experience as the temporary, beautiful thing it was and carve my way towards acceptance.

“Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just… Remember I’m here. Right now you maybe don’t wanna feel anything… Maybe you’ll never want to feel anything. And… Maybe it’s not to me you wanna speak about these things but… Hm… Feel something you obviously did. You two had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would wish the whole thing goes away… And pray their sons land on their feet. But… I am not such a parent. 
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste! Have I spoken too much? Then let me say one more thing. It’ll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business, just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt."

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